


The vagaries of my life

by Anonymous



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:41:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29305932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: trigger warning for suicide and death.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7
Collections: anonymous





	The vagaries of my life

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning for suicide and death.

It has been a year, a year without his most beloved. It has been a year but sometimes he can still hear his laugh, it is at such times that the longing consumes him, late at night with no one to fill the unbearable silence.

He starts recalling the time him and Neil decided to go to the little bookshop in town, they had been planning it for weeks, excitedly talking about their favorite books late into the night, planning what to buy and how to spend the very little time they had away from responsibilities and obligations, just the two of them. They decided to walk instead of taking their bikes, the weather had been beautiful, he recalls. Neil kept bumping into him with every step, their hands touching every once in a while, he remembers his heart stuttering in his chest, his cheeks flushing slightly, they had gotten even redder when Neil had pointed them out. He remembers stepping foot into the bookshop and losing himself in the overwhelming scent of books, of the noises of pages being flipped, books being shelved and people talking. He was startled out of his trance by a concerned Neil peering over him, asking if he’s fine. He remembers the grin on Neil’s face when they had spotted a poetry collection by Walt Whitman, he remembers when Neil excitedly came in holding the paper announcing the auditions being held for a midsummer’s night dream, Neil talking about how this has always been his dreams, and he recalls the strange sensation of fondness that bubbled up in him as he listened.

He remembers watching Neil on stage, he had felt so proud that night and he wanted to shower Neil with the praise he deserved, but that never happened. Neil had gotten dragged away by his father, into the car and away, and Todd could do nothing about it.

He remembers waking up to the news of neil dying, the emptiness coursing through him in waves, until he could no longer hold it. The memories of anything after that are blurry, hazed up around the edges.

Here he is now, a year later, and he remembers the feeling of finding something, someone to stay alive for but there’s nothing left to keep him around now, nothing to look forward to, his days for the last year have been an endless loop of sadness and longing, of the realization that had struck him, how foolish he was for never realizing that him and Neil had had feelings for one another. That night he fell asleep sobbing, regretting never getting to spend more time with Neil.

With his fingers on the trigger, he thinks of how helpless neil must have felt, those were his final thoughts as he, slowly but decisively, pulls the trigger.


End file.
